Lately I’ve been waking up feeling less than.  Less than what you may ask. Less than what I want to be.  I’ve been feeling less vibrant, less motivated, less fit, less youthful, less patient, and less content.  My husband calls it my crazy mood and if anything makes me crazy it’s not having my feelings validated.  I’m not at all a keeping up with the Joneses kind of gal.  Nor am I even remotely interested in celebrities or how other women choose to mother.  No, my feelings of less than are not prompted by external factors.  They are coming from deep within me.  Not in a sense that I can do better or should do more but from a deep subconscious knowledge that I am missing something.  But what am I missing?  I know that whatever it is it was taken from me. Taken from me because I surely gave it away and now I’m handed the task of getting it back.

The problem is figuring out just what of myself I gave away and in so finding it, maybe just maybe, I’ll regain my vibrancy, motivation, fitness, youthfulness, patience, and contentedness.  So I search for signs.  I ponder my current state.  I wonder what I can do differently.  I know that something is wrong inside of me.  Is it my health?  Is it my mind?  Whatever IT is, I need to find what’s missing to fix it. 

I once would bound out of bed ready to meet the day.  I could breeze through commitments without any misgivings.  But now I’m stiff and achy in the morning.  Simple chores seem like huge undertakings.  I don’t want to give of myself.  I don’t want to do what I enjoy.  And that is destroying me.  Because I am not me anymore.  I feel like I’m a reflection of my mother who in her final years was an angry bitter woman of her own making.  She would chalk it up to age but I cannot accept that it is downhill now that I’m 43.  No, I will fight this feeling because knowing is half the battle.

On one especially difficult morning I headed outside to start the day and did my usual scan for wildlife.  All was calm on this cool October morning but soaring high above was a kettle of turkey vutures.  Now I know these birds don’t always get the love they deserve but I’ve got nothing but love for them.  They are unlike other raptors.  They are distinguished.  They are social.  They are patient.  Above all they provide a service.  So I took this early morning sighting as a sign.  And the sign kept on coming.

Later in the morning I had to run an errand, one I was not particularly interested in doing.  In fact I felt quite put upon and resentful (I think you understand my current state).  As I was driving I happened to notice yet another kettle of vultures circling high in the sky.  OK universe you’ve got my attention!  Now, I know why they are circling.  The naturalist in me understands how these fine birds operate and I’m sure the recent deer fatalities on the roads have something to do with their presence.  Those facts do not diminish the fact that I see signs in nature and I’m taking the abundance of vultures on this day as a sign.

Feeling excited about the appearances of vultures throughout my morning, I couldn’t wait for a free moment to research the symbolic meaning.  Fortunately, there are experts out there who specialize in symbolism so a quick search yielded a result and my mind was set to wondering.  According to whats-your-sign.com, an awesome blog by the talented Avia, the list of symbolic vulture meanings is a lengthy one.  But some of the qualities that struck me were patience, renewal, protection, and resourcefulness.  She also touches on historical and cultural views and I was particularly attracted to the Mayan idea of vulture symbolism.  This consumer of death is considered a symbol of cleansing, renewal, and transformation.  And those are things I need right now in my life!

Armed with the knowledge that the universe was trying to tell me that I need to renew and transform myself, I was able to continue on with my day feeling a bit more upbeat.  I got busy wondering about the aspects of my life that need changing and comparing the person I am now to the person I used to be.  As much as I like to think that I have not changed, I have.  I have let slip many of my ideals and personal practices.  I have obliged a lot of people while sacrificing my own needs.   I have forsaken my health because I am caring for others who are in far worse condition.  The end result is my current state and although I look fine, I feel awful.  And before anyone starts thinking that I should see a doctor I have and I continue to see them (last year’s diagnosis of Lyme and anaplasmosis was a biggy). However, according to the doctor the massive amounts of doxycycline have cured my illness and the bacteria do not still lurk within me. I don’t want traditional western medicine to continue to throw pills at me.  I don’t want to numb or mask my problems.  I don’t want to trick my body into thinking everything is fine. I want to dig down deep and get to the root of them. 

With thoughts of health and self-improvement swirling through my head I was struck by the next sign from the universe while cleaning bird cages.  I randomly pulled some newspapers from the collection so I could line the bottom of the cockatiel cage and “DING DING” there they were - Two articles from a month earlier.  One was entitled “Reach for It” about goal setting for improved health.  The other was    “Eat Smarter to Feel Better”.   Ask and you shall receive.  I was given the symbol of the vulture to make we wonder about its meaning.  Then as I’m processing my new knowledge I literally have answers put into my hands.  I’d be crazy if I didn’t at least try to use this experience to improve my current state of being.

The scientist in me needs to gather data before embarking on any activity.  I need the facts.  I need to map out where I’m going and why.  I cannot simply just do.  I don’t want people’s “this worked for me story” because, well, I’m my own person.  But there is one person I know is an authority on how to get me back to my former state and that is ME.  Yup!  I’m my own expert and researcher and cheer leader.  I just need to take the time to sit with myself in counsel long enough to weed through the old data, to gather new data, and to come up with a plan that serves the person I am now.  Let’s face the reality. I am not a single 20 something anymore nor am I a 30 something with babies.  I am a forty something with kids in school, a terminally ill father, an overworked husband, and wait for it…..a job outside of the home.  Wait I forgot something….the numerous pets and ongoing projects of life here on the hobby farm.  Life is full. Life is messy.  Life is busy.  Somewhere in there I need to focus on my life, as in my health and vitality because I want many more years of full and messy but maybe a little less busy.

Where does all this pondering and wondering leave me?  What lesson have I learned from the mighty vulture?  Well, I’m definitely inspired to make changes.  The best part is I’m my own inspiration so the only person I can hold as a standard is myself.  I like that idea.  I can work with that.  Also, I can take the carnage of my former self and use it as fuel to transform my current self.  Nope she’s not dead.  She’s just inactive patiently waiting to be absorbed and reborn.  The vulture is a good teacher with her ability to soar high above patiently waiting for the opportune time to swoop in and devour the scraps that others don’t want.  She is not greedy and will share her opportunities with the others vultures but she will not forsake her own needs.   She’s pretty amazing.  I think I’ll let her inspire me too.

I’m ready to soar.  I’m ready to make changes.  And like the vulture my actions may repulse some, but I’ve got to take care of me.  Because you know the thing I lost?  The thing I gave away?  It was my power.  I plan on taking it back and using it to fuel my future self.  It is wide open from here and my journey is just beginning.  I’m hoping I’ll have some good company along the way.

photo by Ed Mekeel