My Perfectly Imperfect Life
I’m not going to lie, my life is kind of a mess. My gardens are overgrown and wild. The yard is a combination of clover, weeds, and grass. And the interior of my house has just as many spiderwebs as the horse barn. Oh, wait! We still haven’t fixed the cracks in the bedroom and bathroom ceilings from the leak that occurred two years ago. Alas, I am forced to accept that my home will never be featured in Better Homes and Gardens. But then again I’m not surprised. I’ve never been one to have such a lofty aspiration. That was my mother’s dream.
However, I do love me some BH&G. I have been flipping through its pages my entire life. My mom was a subscriber and devoted disciple. She would clip the articles and recipes that spoke to her, applying her newfound inspirations to her own home. She sure did love to paint, decorate, and garden! So when she passed away nearly 17 years ago I was thrilled to find her monthly subscription in the mailbox. I even renewed it once just so I could continue to see her name on the shipping label. Plus, I enjoyed reading it. After all, I was a new homeowner myself.
I soon realized that I did not have the time, money, or the desire to imitate what I saw. So I happily read cover to cover, tried some new recipes, and gleefully mocked the people who owned white furniture and pets (seriously!). I decided I didn’t need to collect magazines so I let the subscription expire, but still every month it would arrive. So, month after month and year after year I would secretly rejoice with its arrival but I would never renew the subscription. I guess after 15+ years they got it figured out and it stopped coming. I’ll admit I miss it. Maybe I’ll take them up on their latest offer of a $6 subscription. They want Ginger to come back to the BH&G family.
Over those years I’ve learned a thing or two about being a homeowner and a mom. One thing I know for sure is that the homes and lives portrayed in media are nothing like reality. Well, nothing like my reality. That being said, I do have some friends and family with perfectly decorated homes and manicured lawns. I love going to their homes and admiring everything from the plush furnishings to the lush landscaping. But I never envy them because all that perfection comes with more than just a price tag. It comes with worry and stress. Those are two things I just don’t want in my life. I understand though. I’d also worry about deer eating my pricey flowerbeds and I’d probably stress out every time my kids or pets jumped on my expensive sofa.
Even though I admire Instagram-worthy homes and yards I favor my messy reality even more. I love my worn pieces of hand-me-down furniture that have seen decades of love, laughter, and tears. My handmade pine cabinets, slate floors, and 1970s oven will hopefully never be swapped out for a more updated look. I wouldn’t trade my lawn filled with clover, dandelions, ivy, and plantains for the most pristine monoculture of Kentucky Bluegrass simply because the honeybees love the flowers (and I love seeing the bees). I’ll take my vegetable garden with its patched and repaired fence over newly built raised beds any day. That fence was built for me by my dad and husband 15 years ago when I was pregnant with my son. It meant so much to me to see my two favorite men working side by side to get it completed. Now this year, my husband and son built a fence around my butterfly garden to protect it from the ravaging goats and deer. I just love how it is bursting with the color of all the perennials that I scavenged and planted over the years. And as much as I would love a new spacious she-shed I must admit that I’m pretty happy with my old outhouse turned potting shed complete with my grandma’s rusted paint-splattered kitchen step stool parked beside it. Oh, the memories!
I’m well aware that my aesthetic isn’t for everyone. For a long time, I was made to feel like there was something wrong with it. Comments like, “That’s old. Get rid of it” or “You have the worst taste” or “Is this garbage?” might have had something to do with it. But I love what I love and anything reclaimed or second-hand is always my first choice. So when I came across an article in BH&G’s June 2019 issue entitled Finding Wabi-Sabi I finally felt like I was right all along. Now I had a cool name to go with my way of living. Wabi-sabi just rolled off my tongue and I saw my surroundings in a whole new light. Everything from the crack in my concrete countertop to the dead trees in the upper pasture all possessed the imperfect beauty with which I could so easily identify.
Wabi-sabi is a centuries-old Japanese philosophy that cannot be clearly explained but simply put “Wabi” is said to be defined as “rustic simplicity” or “understated elegance” with a focus on a less-is-more mentality. “Sabi” is translated to “taking pleasure in the imperfect.” It encourages us to celebrate the way things are rather than how we think they should be. For example, we can plant our gardens with native perennials and allow them to propagate naturally. I love seeing where a Phlox or Echinacea might pop up. Then as the growing season wanes we can relish the beauty of a prickly dried seed head. Likewise, we can allow “weeds” to grow among our cultivated plants. I love the delicate touch Queen Anne’s Lace provides my vegetable garden or the contrast of a bright blue Asiatic Day Flower next to the yellow of my Black-Eyed Susans.
But this philosophy isn’t limited to the natural world. It can be applied to man-made objects as well. Wabi-sabi celebrates cracks and crevices and rot and all the other marks that time and weather and use leave behind. To discover wabi-sabi is to see the singular beauty in something that may first look decrepit and ugly. For example, a chip in your favorite coffee mug or the patina on a beloved kitchen table can be seen as beautiful because of the memories that those items hold.
So the other evening as I was admiring the natural beauty of the upper pasture with its tall dry grass, weathered dead trees, and stalks of pale yellow Mullein I found myself wondering about how the wabi-sabi philosophy might be applied to one’s self. We may find it easy to accept and appreciate imperfections in the natural world, our belongings, or even a loved one, but many of us do not go so easy on ourselves. For some reason, we cherish our favorite frayed sweater or faded jeans but we don’t adore our fine lines and sunspots. And why shouldn’t we? Aren’t those signs of a life well-lived? Hopefully, those wrinkles came from years of laughter and smiling and those spots are confirmation of time spent outdoors, but in our culture that praises flawless youthful complexions, it can be hard for some of us to look in the mirror and appreciate the proof that we’ve already lived half (or more) of our lives. Fortunately, for those of us not aging like a Kardashian, wabi-sabi can help us embrace our imperfections.
American author and chef, Candice Kumai, is no stranger to this philosophy. In her book Kintsugi Wellness, she offers some advice on how to incorporate it into your personal life. Any time you find yourself feeling like you have to measure up or fit in, just remind yourself of wabi-sabi. Some of her suggestions include getting outside, stopping comparison, simplifying, and practicing self-love. Try going for a hike and observing the "imperfections" as you go — ripples in the water, changing of the leaves, or the jagged edges of rock. You'll soon see that imperfections are the secret to nature's beauty. Do your best to trade comparison for the celebration by being your authentic self and celebrating others’ wins. After all, we are all in this life together. Likewise, simplicity can open your heart to more important things such as humility, character, and grace. When we focus on those qualities we are less concerned with those extra pounds and wrinkles. And finally, practice self-love by treating yourself as you would treat your best friend and embrace the qualities that are uniquely yours. Believe me, I know it may not be easy but it’s less painful than the alternative of beating yourself up. Life is too precious to spend it agonizing over all the things we don’t like about ourselves.
I enjoyed sharing this wondering because lately, I’ve been feeling not so great about myself. Even though much of what is bothering me seems out of my control I’ve been finding it hard not to be angry with my body. If my Mom was here she’d say something like “getting old sucks” and “there’s a pill for that”. But you know what? Getting old doesn’t suck. Maybe the joint pain and brain fog suck but getting older doesn’t. It is a gift to be able to watch my kids grow up and continue to share experiences with lifelong friends. There are a lot of pills to deal with my problems but they won’t add to the quality of my life. They will only cover up the problems. That won’t work for me. Wabi-sabi doesn’t encourage me to mask or deny them. No, it motivates me to see their value. What I’m feeling is just my body’s way of trying to communicate that there is something wrong with me. We’ve been having this conversation for a few years now. But for now, I will have to have faith that eventually I will figure out how to reverse or at least mitigate the damage done to me by Lyme disease and a wayward endocrine system so I can get back to fully enjoying this journey to old age.
Thanks for wondering along with me. I hope this reflection resonated with you in some way. You may also enjoy my other posts that touch upon the topic of growing older, Seasonal Shift, and The Past in the Present, which also speak of my love of all things old. Below are links to the articles I referenced as well as additional ones on wabi-sabi in case you are interested in learning more about it.