When I wrote Bloom back in April I thought for sure that I would be on a wondering roll. Then I lost May to COVID. Everyone in my house got it one after another. First my daughter, then me, then my husband, and finally my son. Of course, being the mom meant that I was also playing nurse and servant to the various sick individuals. So, May came and went without us being able to celebrate our 20th anniversary or my husband’s recent retirement from the NYPD, hiking and horseback riding were not possible, and writing eluded me. By the time Memorial Day weekend rolled around and I was starting to feel almost normal, I couldn’t help but feel disappointed. I felt like I lost a month of my life. The gardens, horses, and myself had all been neglected. The pity party was about to begin and I had to shut it down the only way I knew how - by grooming a horse or three.

Ever since I was a child, the barn has been my sanctuary and the horses my comfort. They were there when I was sad, lovesick, angry, and scared. On this day I needed them to help me feel like me again. I headed out to the barn determined to feel productive. The horses were to get clean while I no doubt got filthy. It was a seasonably warm day and everyone was already taking refuge in their stalls. One by one, I curried, brushed, picked, and combed. Checked for scrapes and bug bites, cleaned, and applied ointment. By the time I was done they looked bright and shiny and I felt that way too.

In between horse chores, I took some time to stroll through the pasture. I frequently check the far corner’s fence line since it is the oldest and hardest to replace. I also like to inspect the goats’ progress in clearing the wild rose bushes. Everything looked great - the fence was intact and the invasive, thorny, albeit wonderfully fragrant bushes, appeared to be nearly eradicated. As I walked around the water-logged low land, I couldn’t resist looking at and picking the small wildflowers growing there. Yellow, pink, purple, and blue dotted the predominantly green area and I thought a little bouquet would brighten up my drab work attire. Plus it made me happy.

Normally this is where I’d go into the significance and meaning of the flowers, but not today. Today I just want to share with you why I think that day was so important after three weeks of COVID being the focal point of my life. The stress of Hannah testing positive the day after being at a friend’s birthday party made me anxious. Chances were that she was already contagious when she spent the evening playing with 8 of her classmates. I contacted the school and parents. I checked in daily to make sure no one else had gotten sick. Meanwhile, I was ignoring the crippling fatigue that was trying to take hold of me. Sure enough, a few days later I tested positive. I was bedridden with a fever and congestion just in time for my anniversary. And so it went with my husband testing positive the following week and then our son. I owed my ability to feed the animals and do minimal chores to the power of ibuprofen and Mucinex, for without them the body aches and sinus pain would have rendered me useless. By the time the end of the month approached, I was about ready to crawl out of my skin. I was starting to feel like a caged animal because my body was not allowing me to do what I wanted.

That is why I decided to groom the horses. I couldn’t yet ride, but I was able to enjoy their company and scent. With the rest of the household also on the mend, I was free to spend uninterrupted hours in the barn without any feelings of guilt or responsibility. I think they all realized that I needed it too. We all needed some time apart. By the time I returned to the house, I felt like a new person. No, I felt like me. The me who works with her hands, tends to animals, daydreams, and gets sidetracked by nature. That’s the version of me I like most. It felt good to be back.

As I'm wrapping up this short wondering, I realize that I did do a bit of writing during that time. I wrote a poem about being sick entitled My Needs Come First and a collection, Haikus for the Tired. I also wrote texts and emails to friends. Those countless correspondences kept my spirits lifted and my boredom at bay. I guess the lesson here is something is better than nothing and even a mom needs time to rest and recharge. Now I feel like I’m back in the zone so if all goes well I’ll have another wondering to share real soon.