Boundaries

Since a young age, I have been a lover of both country living and poetry.  I like life quiet and I like it rhythmically thought out.  I prefer to have my upsets come from nature and my problems to be ones that I can fix with my own two hands.  I can thank my mother for the introduction to both rural life and my favorite poet, Robert Frost.  She was a woman of extraordinary talents and I was lucky enough to see both aspiring farmer and poet in her emerge as she embraced a life beyond the one in which she grew.  It was the purchase of this quaint little country home that allowed her talents to blossom and my passions to be planted.   Where would I be I wonder if she never nurtured the desire for a different way of life? I may have arrived at this life in some circuitous way just as she had or I would have missed it altogether.  Fortunately, there is no need to brood over such a pondering because I am right where I should be and that is all that matters.

But I do fret over many other things.  I am human of course and an adult one at that.  I have responsibilities; animals and people who rely on me.  No, my life is not purely my own and sometimes that makes living a little harder (I’m sure anyone beyond their teen years can understand this).  I don’t get to sit on the couch and complain of boredom as I peruse Netflix (as my 13-year-old son does).  No, instead, I dedicate time in the early morning hours before the animals and household start to stir so I may gather my thoughts, indulge my creative side, read a book, and simply appreciate the silence.  Then throughout the day and well into the evening, I am on the go tending to this or that with an occasional pause to stop and ponder everything, good and bad, that is my life.  During these pauses, I take into account and prioritize the to-do list and restructure my day to make the time for what is most important.  However, I never try to get it all done.  Because the one thing I’ve learned is some things will always be there and putting them off for another day won’t make a difference while an immediacy exists for other things.  So I may not get the laundry folded or return a phone call but I will feed my charges and mend a fence.

That has been my life of late – feeding my children, feeding livestock, and fixing fences.  Providing sustenance is a daily and necessary chore so it isn’t even on the list but the fences, on the other hand, have made it to the very top and if you could see inside my head on any given day you would see “Fix fences” in big bold letters.  This I am sure is on the top of many people’s lists, not just those of us who own livestock, because as the old proverb goes good fences make good neighbors.  In my case, a good fence keeps my neighbor happy.  I can’t begin to tell you the nightmare I’ve had any time one of the horses happened to set hoof on his land.   I don’t just need fences to prevent the horses from roaming the neighborhood; I also need them to stop my adorable goats from marauding my gardens.  You can learn more about that in Small Harvest.  My property is a patchwork of post and rail pastures, accented with page wire fenced gardens and pens, all hemmed in by a lovely stone wall.

The stone wall has been here long before the rest of us and will remain long after we are gone.  Beyond the wall to the west is the land of “he who shall not be named” but beyond the northern wall is a wood filled with dying ash trees and struggling young maples.  The wood is lovely dark and deep and I feel such a sense of mystery when I step through the opening in the wall.  This wall keeps nothing in nor nothing out.  It is merely there to divide mine from theirs.  Who they are is beyond me.  I’ve never met them and unlike Frost’s neighbor in Mending Fences, they do not appear once a year to mend the wall.  I suppose they are the best neighbor of all.

I started thinking about the importance of boundaries as we were mending our pasture and garden fences.  I am so much happier with my goats (and tolerant of deer) when they aren’t eating my vegetable and flower gardens.  The pastures are better managed when I can confine the horses in one while allowing the others to rest.  We had more damage this year than we anticipated - posts were snapped, boards were cracked, the wire had holes in it, and fallen trees demolished multiple sections in the top pasture.  If repairs weren’t made then the whole farm would fall apart.  This place would be in chaos or worse the animals would have to be confined to the barn (and that doesn’t make any of us happy).  So with our priorities in order, we set out to make one necessary mend at a time.

As the work was underway for the repair of all these physical boundaries I couldn’t help but think about my own and how important putting some in place might be to my well-being. I am a “yes” person, a people pleaser, and a “don’t rock the boat” person.  I hate seeing people unhappy or disappointed.  I want to be able to help and make things better.  But at what cost?  Is their happiness worth me feeling depleted and overwhelmed?  Why am I responsible to fix the things that someone else broke?  And then I realized none of it is my problem.  Sure I’ll help when I can.  Sure I’ll give advice when asked but I am not going to sacrifice my peace of mind so someone else can continue on as if nothing is wrong.  It is time I manage myself as well as I manage my land.

I’ve decided to equate my mind to a beautiful cottage garden overflowing with color and activity.  But now it has a pretty little picket fence around it complete with a locked gate.  I am responsible for whom and what enters and I get to choose when they leave.  I am going to protect this garden as much as I protect my real ones. If you trample on any part of it then you must leave.  Picking flowers is prohibited.  Chasing butterflies is frowned upon.  But you can sit quietly and absorb everything the surroundings have to offer.  You may inquire and observe but do not demand.  This is my space and I have spent a lot of time pulling weeds and cultivating what is important to me.  Unfortunately for some hearing “NO” will cause hurt feelings and disappointment will prevail.  Maybe someone else will be inconvenienced.  And I don’t care!  It has dawned on me that if I can choose to make the right decisions (not always the easy ones) then others can too. My assistance is there for those in real need who aren’t able to help themselves but it is no longer available to those who refuse to help themselves (just ask my son who will be enjoying summer school and not his computer or his phone).

I had put my life on hold when it mattered.  I had rearranged my schedule when my time was more valuable to serving others than myself.  But now it is my turn.  I need to enjoy everything I have worked so hard to have.  I will foster the relationships that make me a better person.  I will not be manipulated into giving more than I’m physically comfortable giving.  Saying no will not make me feel guilty.  I will not be burdened so someone else can skate by because they have me to do the work.   Choosing me over anyone else will not make me selfish.  It will make me better able to show up for the moments when my attention is needed.  It is now my belief that just as good fences make good neighbors better boundaries make better relationships.