Just Being
I know this year’s autumnal equinox was September 22 but autumn itself doesn’t begin for me until it is officially “sweater” weather and the leaves have turned. So this year I declare yesterday October 12 as my beginning of fall. After a warm and balmy start to my favorite transition season, it was refreshing to walk out into crisp air, blowing breezes, and golden leaves contrasting against a blue sky. My only dilemma was deciding on which sweater to wear. The day felt almost magical and I was excited to soak as much of it in until I remembered I had a 9 AM doctor’s appointment. Ughhh……a day off from work (because I had the appointment) with perfect fall “horseback riding” weather and I’m going to the doctor to get a dreaded endometrial biopsy (which means I would be putting my feet in different types of stirrups). I went from a state of elation to full-on dread. Now my perfect day was ruined.
“Breath. The day isn’t ruined. It’s just off to an unpleasant start. This is necessary. You’ve had concerns and finally, this new doctor listened. She agreed that what you experience isn’t normal. She wants to help. This is part of getting to the root of your problem. The problem is that you don’t feel like yourself. She’s searching for answers. Grab your latest book and go to the appointment, “At least you’ll have some quiet time to read while you wait.” That was my internal dialogue. That was me being my cheerleader. As much as I don’t mind discomfort or exams, I do mind not knowing what is wrong with me. And I am well aware this biopsy isn’t routine and the samples will be going to pathology. This makes me sad. This makes me want to cry.
Three hours later I arrive home not much worse for the wear. She was quick and as gentle as she could be. I am in better spirits because of her excellent bedside manner and thoroughness. But she seemed certain that this biopsy was not my last procedure. While we wait for the results from pathology to come back, she felt it best to tentatively schedule a D&C and ablation. As healthy as I am that part of me is suffering. So instead of coming home with peace of mind, I came home with 2 more doctor’s appointments, a surgery date, and a bright orange hospital folder.
“OK have some lunch. Tell the hubs about what’s going on. Don’t google it. Salvage the rest of your day. You can’t ride but you can rest and enjoy the weather. Pet the goats. Hay the horses. Enjoy some quiet until the kids get home. Fold those baskets of laundry. Ooo…listen to a podcast. Watch the latest episode of Allie’s show. Take it slow and deliberate. Distraction is key. DON’T GO ON WEB MD!” I know myself well because well I’ve known myself for a long time. I’m a researcher. I’m a questioner. But I also know that nothing is definitive until those results come back. So why worry when I’m not completely sure what it is I’m worried about? I’m getting good at pep-talking myself. I’m going to enjoy my leisurely day of catching up on laundry, Simple Roots Radio, and Dopesick Nation while mixing in some wandering around the property time.
When I get pensive I become distant. I very much like solitude when I’m in this state. This is no easy task when you are part of a family of four living in a not-so-big house. Luckily there is the barn. Luckily the weather is perfect for bike riding. So I mention to the little one that she should ask her big brother to bike ride with her while I wrap up the evening barn chores. Win-Win! I can be alone while keeping an eye on the two of them as they race up and down the driveway and through the field. At this rate, I can finish up the day with ease and then hopefully be in a better mental state for the evening. After all, it is Friday night which means popcorn, a family movie, the little one falling asleep on her bean bag, and me going to bed much later than usual.
This morning I woke up well after sunrise. That is a gift because today out my window instead of complete darkness I saw a kaleidoscope of green and gold. The maple behind the house has nearly fully turned. Its branch reaches toward the house and fills the space on the other side of the pane. “When did this happen? Oh, how I love this! Oooo….I should hang a feeder” I say to myself.
It’s nice waking up naturally and without urgency. I’m snuggled warm under the blankets with my hubs warm and rhythmically breathing beside me. It’s not too often we see each other in the morning. He’s usually out the door before I’m awake. The house is quiet. The animals are quiet. The only sound is the soft patter of the rain on the roof. After a typical vibrant brisk fall day, we have a chilly rainy one. But I don’t mind because my mind and body need to rest. I start my day filling my senses with the comfort of my surroundings – I see the beautiful golden leaves bright against a gray sky; I hear the pitter-patter of raindrops and quiet breathing; I feel the heat radiating from the one person I love most in the world; I inhale the scent of line-dried linens. All that is missing is my morning cup of freshly brewed coffee. This is the good stuff. Simple and sweet. These are the moments we miss out on because we are so often in a rush to start the day. We race to be productive. We hurry to be distracted. It is as if our lives have no meaning if we aren’t doing or consuming. Not today my friends. Today I’m enjoying the simple joy of just being. I’ll handle all my responsibilities in this same state of being. Today I declare I will not do. Today I will be.
Just the mere act of sitting and writing this has drastically altered how I’m coping with yesterday’s unpleasantness. As my dad, who is ever a man of few words, would say, “This too shall pass”. And he would be correct. It did pass. I have so many other wonderful things I can focus on today. I’ll handle the unpleasantness the next time it arises but for now, I have yellow leaves to look at, a cozy sweater to wear, and a desire to bake an apple pie. Sorry Life. I’m not allowing you to get in the way of my being happy to just be.
