Aging Gracefully
Lately, I’ve been thinking about aging. Rather, I’ve been obsessing about it. It doesn’t help that 9-year-old Hannah loves to point out my gray hair and wrinkles while pulling on my sagging skin. Ahh…children are such blessings. Anyway, I can’t fault my child for being observant and honest. That’s her job. She’s merely stating the obvious. I do the same to her when I comment on her height and her grown-up smile. Hannah is aging too, but in the venerated “becoming a young woman” way and not the despised “becoming obsolete” way. Our lives are in two very different phases and they will never overlap. By the time she enters puberty, I will no doubt be in the throes of menopause. Well, I guess we will have to navigate these changes together. At least, I’ll be able to guide her while Dr. Google does the same for me.
Now, you might be wondering why I don’t just go get some hormone therapy, dye my hair, and buy some retinol to defy what mother nature and father time are throwing at me. Maybe I could schedule botox injections for my furrowed brow and forever laughing lines, transfer the fat from my butt cheeks to my cheekbones, and while I’m at it I can bath in the blood of virgins to maintain my flawless skin. Trust me, some of these options sometimes do cross my mind, but they also fly in the face of everything I believe. I have never bought into conventional beauty standards and would even do everything to oppose them. Why would I start now? Well, because au natural youthful beauty is desired while aging naturally is…..well…..scary. After all, women are expected to age with grace like J. Lo with her hard body and flawless skin. This “standard” leaves us mere mortal middle age mommas ready to pack it in and just watch reruns of The Golden Girls. Now, those gals are so much more relatable.
Golden age: Estelle Getty, Rue McClanahan, Bea Arthur and Betty White in The Golden Girls. Photograph: ABC Photo Archives/Walt Disney Television via Getty Images
Whenever I think of these ladies I am reminded of the season 2 episode entitled The End of the Curse. It aired in September 1986 and I remember watching it with my mother; I was confused and she was amused. Blanche, the one with fire in her loins, believes she is pregnant and is worried about how she’s going to raise a child at her age. When she turns out not to be pregnant, but going through menopause, she isn’t relieved because she believes her life is over. A depressed Blanche, lamenting the loss of her sexuality, is comforted by the other ladies who share their own period stories and why menopause means nothing in the end. Finally, Blanche cheers up when she realizes that the end of her reproductivity isn’t the end of her sexual appeal.
So imagine an 11 year old me watching this with my 45 year old mother. I’m sure you can understand why I was confused. I had just recently learned about puberty and was thoroughly traumatized, but I was obviously clueless about menopause. My mom was most likely dealing with reverse puberty aka perimenopause. No wonder she found the episode so entertaining and relatable. No wonder it always stuck with me. That evening, Blanche and the other girls, provided me with both a bonding moment and life lesson. Maybe I’ll have to play it for Hannah in a few years, but for now I’ll allow her to enjoy the innocence of childhood while I wonder about what the next stage of my life will bring.
This is a topic that I have been wondering about for a while. Last summer I wrote the gray fox inspired Vixen which led to me to wonder about the various meanings of the word vixen and how they apply to women and aging. So, today I won’t be going on at length about why women begin to feel much like Blanche did in that episode from 35 years ago nor will I bother talking about ways to maintain and restore feminine youthful beauty. The fact is unless we have access to the best aestheticians, hair dressers, personal trainers, dieticians, stylists, and photoshop pros, we will never age as well as Jennifer Lopez and her contemporaries. And you know what? They are still aging. J. Lo is still 50 something even if she looks 35. She isn’t going to ward off menopause. She’s just going to look phenomenal while going through it. I’m sure even she has days when she feels emotional, bloated, ugly, tired, and unmotivated. We just aren’t privy to that information. It makes sense that actresses, who often feel like they face an onscreen expiration date, would be reluctant to talk about menopause and aging.
Aging, not beauty, is what I’m focusing on. It is inevitable. We haven’t yet to figure out how to stop or reverse time. Every living thing gets older. I’ve watched my horses go from foals to the grave. I’ve loved puppies that turned into blind, toothless senior dogs. One thing I know for sure is that I cherished my old sway backed lawn ornaments and my cloudy eyed lap warmers as much as my frisky thunder hooves and zooming balls of fur. So why are we so hard on ourselves when our bodies are doing just what nature intended? Well, we’re scared of aging because it’s accompanied by disease and helplessness, the body becomes flabby, and the memory turns unreliable. Scientists say that we’re trained to dislike aging by evolution. Evolution made us able to determine by smell if someone is able to have children. From nature’s point of view, a person who can’t make children is useless. Ouch! I wonder if anyone thinks we should be culling women just like we do cows. Well, it might help with overpopulation, but fortunately we are worth so much more than our ability to reproduce and the world needs the love, wisdom, and patience only wonderful grandmothers can provide.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that at (almost) 46 I cannot look as I did two decades or even two years ago. I accept that my waistline is a little bigger and I fill out my jeans a whole lot more; the hair that once resided on my gloriously full eyebrows has now found a new home on my chin. This I’ve learned is the experience of many of my peers. If you don’t believe me, then maybe you’ll believe Sophia from The Golden Girls. Oh the things we have to look forward to!
Dorothy:
Don't listen to her, Blanche.
Sophia:
You grow a beard, Dorothy! Believe me, I woke up one morning, I looked like Arafat!
Depending on your age, you are either nodding in agreement or feeling completely appalled. I apologize to any fragile young things who did not realize that a some point in time you will wish you never plucked your eyebrows or invested in a magnifying mirror. My advice is to keep on wearing the face masks that we have all become accustomed to; they not only save you from illness but also from embarrassment when you forget to pluck those unruly chin hairs.
At this point I’m sure you are well aware that the female body goes through a lot of changes throughout a lifetime. It seems, just as I get comfortable in my body, it decides to go and switch things up a bit. I swear I have had to study harder and learn more science just to keep up with the subject of myself. However, I must surrender to reality. I just don’t have the drive or determination to fight the process. I’ll leave it up to the braver, more dedicated people to rejuvenate their faces with injections and their bodies with juice cleanses. I can only hope to grow old gracefully, but I can definitely do it both peacefully and healthfully. After all, their is so much more to the process than preserving our complexions and the size we wear. I am personally more concerned about the overall health of my body, mind, and spirit. These are the parts of me that are going to allow me to enjoy my golden years.
That being said, I find it interesting that whenever a group of gals get together and discuss aging, we usually lament our looks, our plummeting hormone levels, and our various aches and pains. Sometimes we might give and receive advice on what to or not to eat as well as what pills, lotions, and potions might work to help relieve this change of life. It’s not like we’re going to chit chat with just anyone about the hormonal houses of horror our bodies have become. It’s nice to be able to commiserate with friends just like Dorothy, Rose, and Sophia did with Blanche, but I realized there are a few things missing from the discussion on aging. They are the other actions we should be taking to feel more like our younger selves while preparing ourselves to live decades longer with vitality and joy.
Maybe some of us are already doing activities that will keep us holistically healthy. Maybe we just don’t realize the benefits we are getting from them. I’ve been wondering about and paying attention to the way I’ve been living my life lately and the more I ponder the more I realize that writing these posts has been helping me with the process. Since 2018 I’ve literally been wondering my way to better overall health. What started as a way to cope with my father’s end of life has turned into a sort of journal of self reflection and realization.
Three little words kicked off my journey - I JUST AM. This awareness that I play different roles and feel a bunch of conflicting emotions somehow made it easier for me to enter into this new phase of life. I had never really given a lot of thought to all I had to do or be in the course of just one day and how I was viewed by everyone around me. Coming to that realization made it so much easier for me to be kinder to myself.
I’ve learned over the years that showing kindness to one’s self is one of the hardest things to do. We can really beat ourselves up on a daily basis. What good has that done for any of us? We wouldn’t talk to our friends that way and we certainly would hope not to be spoken to that way. So why do it at all? That’s why I decided when I was feeling particularly low about my health and fitness to stop all the negative self talk and just start at the beginning. After all, I already possessed all the knowledge and skills to get me back in shape. I just had to accept that I needed to start from zero not to get back to where I once was, but to make it to where I belong. I’m not sure if I will ever arrive, but the journey has been pretty great so far.
It’s amazing how munching on more produce, drinking water, sleeping soundly, and exercising daily can really impact your life. It seems if you do one, the others become easier. Eat right and you have the energy to exercise. Exercise and you have the ability to sleep like a baby. Get a full 8 hours and you have the willpower to stay away from caffeine and sugary foods. I know. I know. Easier said than done. Believe me, it does sometimes require effort and isn’t always feasible. However, I try my very hardest to make these habits more common than not.
Getting my health back did a lot to brighten my mood even if I didn’t see the number on the scale shift. At first that bothered me, but then I simply decided to stop weighing myself. The real measure of my health is my ability to keep up with my young daughter, throw hay bales, and be what my cardiologist refers to as “his healthiest heart patient ever”. The majority of the aches and pains I felt after my battle with Lyme disease have disappeared and my energy level is high more often than not. Plus, I look better because the rosacea that destroyed my complexion has completely healed. I had definitely started down the right path, but still I knew that something was missing.
A healthy body is a wonderful thing but it isn’t going to be much use if the mind and spirit aren’t also at peak performance. The demands of adulthood and motherhood often take top billing over other areas of our lives; areas like fun, friendship, and creativity. It dawned on me that for quite a long while the only people I really spent any time with were my husband, kids, and dad. Now, do not misunderstand me. I love spending time with my family and I would do anything to have more time with my dad, but none of them can give me what a great group of girlfriends can. Once I made the decision to add more girl time to my life, it became a whole lot better. Now I reserve Sundays as my friend day. Whether it’s a long leisurely call, a slow ambling hike, or meeting for breakfast, spending time connecting with someone who really gets me (not the roles I play) has been awesome. And guess what! Smiling makes you look younger and can also make you feel younger — studies have said smiling can lift your mood, lower stress, boost your immune system, lower blood pressure, and even make your lifespan longer. So, I’ve decided that spending time with my friends is an integral part of my healthcare plan.
Ditching the roles and hanging with friends usually means fun and we’ve all heard the saying, “laughter is the best medicine”. There is a whole list of benefits ranging from stress relief to an improved immune system. Ummm…..yes please! So the next time you’re invited out, think twice before you say you’re too busy, but if you really are unable to leave your responsibilities behind then try to listen to a funny podcast or watch something humorous. Maybe a little bit of laughter will be just the thing to make you more productive.
Trust me this wondering will soon be winding down. It’s just that writing this is helping me hold on to my youth because I am being creative and that creativity is keeping my mind sharp. In order for me to write this I had to do some research which made me learn new information. Also, for me to share my wonderings with you, I had to create this website. Believe me, it was definitely a learning curve and I’m still learning, but I’m getting more and more confident. I decided last year when I wrote The Past in the Present that I want to keep learning and laughing so my time doesn’t pass in a blur. Guess what. I’ve held true to that statement. Whether it’s trying a new recipe, learning to crochet, reading lots of books, building a website, or trying a barre class, I am continuously accomplishing something new and that is making my mind sharper and my brain healthier. Heck, even Dorothy and Rose tried to breed mink in the above mentioned episode of The Golden Girls. Now that’s an undertaking. I’d like to think that all my new knowledge, even it doesn’t make me prettier, will make me more interesting and even better company for everyone with whom I engage.
Phew! I could keep going but you didn’t sign up to read a book. Thanks for sticking with me though. I can really go down a rabbit hole but I always come out the other side feeling so much better. Well, I haven’t wondered my way to less wrinkles nor have I figured out how to get my eyebrows to stop growing on my chin. I did, however, discover the secret to aging gracefully. I’ll give you a hint. It’s got nothing to do with preserving your youthful good looks. Yup, you guessed it. It has everything to do with living your best life and being the best version of who you are today. So whether you’re fearless and free spirited like Blanche, astute and level headed like Dorothy, brutally honest and quick witted like Sophia, or sincere and slightly oblivious like Rose, you can embrace maturity while staying true to your younger self. For me that’s eating healthy and baking cookies. It’s riding horses and napping in my hammock. It’s laughing with friends and hiding with a good book. Maybe for you it’s going dancing on Friday night and singing hymns on Sunday morning, going on vacation and sleeping in, or revamping your wardrobe and deciding to spend the day in your pajamas. So stop looking in the mirror and scrolling though social media. Rid your closest of the “one day” clothes and focus on feeling good now. Life is short and only getting shorter. It’s time to focus on all the other stuff that is truly important and remember that life is wonderful when you just take the time to wonder about it.
Let’s continue this conversation. You can leave a comment, send me an email, or find me on FB and IG at justwonderingalong.
