Spider Web

Happy new (school) year to all the parents and students out there!  Every September a switch flips inside me and I’m ready for something more.  Don’t get me wrong the summer was great.  It feels like June was only yesterday.  But I am restless.  Now with the shortening of the days, I feel an urgency to get things done.  There are fewer hours to work outside, bike, ride horses, and idle away.  Now my mind is racing to figure out how we will finish the projects, split the firewood, and load the winter hay before all the leaves hit the ground.  I am anxious to get back to work (possibly).  I even woke up this morning well before 5 AM because I dreamt that I was late for work.  So here I sit before the sun peaks over the horizon, mind racing, thinking about what I want to write and even do with my life. 

I know what I want to write about – spider webs!  As for what I want to do with my life, well, maybe that answer will come to me after I finish pondering the significance of spider webs.  The past week or so I have been seeing (or walking into) spider webs everywhere I go.  There isn’t a spot on this property that is free of them.  I’m serious.  They are in my house (don’t judge).  They are on the front porch, the back porch, the deck, the barn, the fences, and in the garden.  I walked into one going to the mailbox.  It spanned the width of my driveway and I walked face-first into it.  I even have one on the side view mirror of my car.  Care to guess what my daughter’s bedtime read is?  Yup!  Charlotte’s Web! The universe is trying to send me a message and it’s up to me to decipher the exact meaning.

I love spiders.  I do.  Spiders are never killed in my house.  Small ones and big ones alike are always lovingly scooped up and placed outside.  Spiders in the barn are never disturbed.  Sometimes I do unwittingly walk into their webs and feel bad for destroying their hard work.  I do always apologize to them for my carelessness.  I know they strike fear in many but I just think they are amazing.  How can I not appreciate their web-spinning skills and the services they provide? Seriously! They make silk that is stronger and more elastic than steel. 

The impressiveness of this strength and elasticity was not lost on me as I was driving with my children and we noticed our little side view mirror resident clinging for dear life onto the web as we were cruising at 40mph down a country road.  This spider was flapping around in the wind while the web stayed in place on the mirror.  Unable to pull over we kept encouraging the spider to hang on until we got to the stop sign.  When we finally came to a halt we watched the tiny creature attempt the long journey to safety.  Unfortunately, the driver behind us was in a hurry so we had to start moving before the spider reached the mirror.  As we picked up speed the spider started flapping in the breeze again.  Again shouts of encouragement came from the three of us.  When we reached a gas station I pulled the car over and waited until our little friend was safe and snug behind the mirror.   We commented on the strength of both the web and spider.  We marveled at the engineering.  And we vowed not to remove the spider or its web.  This tiny dare devil’s web doesn’t catch more than the occasional gnat but his bigger cousins’ webs certainly do.  Just think of all the pesky flies they gobble up (and authentic Halloween decorations they make). 

I could go on and on about spiders and their many virtues, but I will leave the gathering of such knowledge to those who are interested.  No, I am just here to wonder about what meaning they hold for me.  What lesson during this season of my life am I to learn?  Maybe I should start with how I’m feeling and figure out the “something more” that is missing.   Maybe I should follow my web from the outer edge to the center to see what is at the core of these feelings.  I already don’t like where this is going.  This is going to be one of those introspective ponderings that will leave me both excited and scared.  But I think I’m on to something.  See if you can follow along.

One year ago my life was very different although you wouldn’t know that by looking at me.  I’m talking about the emotional and spiritual parts of my life.  My Dad was still alive (albeit at the end of life) and I was doing everything in my power to make sure he was comfortable.  After a three-year battle with multiple myeloma, his body was admitting defeat to the incurable disease.   To cope with the stress of being a distraught daughter and primary caregiver I started writing.  It was as though a force was pushing the words into my mind and wouldn’t stop nagging me until they were out.  Last September I wrote my first post entitled Moss.  It came to me in a dream after I had gone to bed that night thinking about the moss-covered stones in the pasture retaining wall.  I woke up and wrote.  The words poured out of me as well as the tears.   From that day on I was finding significance in so many of the everyday moments that I could barely keep up with the thoughts in my head. That is why I decided to start and name my site Just Wondering Along.  I figured if all my wondering was helping me cope with the stresses of life then maybe someone else would gain some comfort from my ponderings as well. 

So today I sit and write my 27th post.  I figured after I pushed through the grief I would be done with writing.  It has slowed down but not the thoughts running through my head.  Every day I can find something to wonder and write about.  I just don’t make the time for it.  That being acknowledged and said, I’ve decided that it’s about time I realize that “something more” is right at my fingertips.  It is everything I can touch, everyone I can hug, and every word that I put into writing.  The more I want isn’t money or things.  It is a connection. 

I am learning that adulthood and parenthood sometimes leave you feeling unanchored.  You grasp at anything that might give you a sense of stability.  Unfortunately, we often choose the wrong things (people, ideas, beliefs, dreams, misconceptions, etc.) to which to anchor ourselves.  I will leave you to ponder all that as it pertains to you.  I, however, have given great thought to the web I am building for myself.  I was always anchored by my parents.  They were the greatest supports for me to attach to and in so doing the beautiful web of my life was woven.  I also had my siblings.  My extended family. My best friends.  My jobs. My husband.  My children.  But one by one some of the radial lines no longer had an anchor and parts of my web were left hanging and tear.

If you look at a spider web you see the radial lines that come from the center and attach to a structure.  Then the orb lines go around and around from the center out.  A spider will add more threads to strengthen the web and in so doing creates a pattern.  Isn’t this how I built my life?  It started with me. Then my attachments to significant people, places, and beliefs.  From a young age I started weaving the masterpiece that is the life I am living today.  However, I am noticing weak spots in my web because I haven’t reattached some of my radial lines– the ones that snapped when my parents and other loved ones died, when my friends and siblings moved away, when I changed careers, and my expectations of others were not met.  I should reattach them though and to people, passions, and expectations (of myself) that serve me.  After all, it all starts with me, and only I can determine the design and strength of the life I choose to create.

Now that I’ve thought about and written about it I realize I have been rebuilding my web.   Sure some of the attachments I had were broken but I’ve formed new ones.  For example, I may not have the relationships I desire with some of my siblings but I’m building new ones with their adult children.  My parents may be gone but I have aunts and uncles who can be similar sources of support.  Friends from high school and college may be busy with their own lives but now I can make friends with people who share the interests I have now.  I may not have a career in the animal and environmental science fields but I’m living every day with the animals and the environment and sharing what I’ve learned with others.  I’ve also found a new passion – writing.  But it’s the letting go of expectations that is serving me the best.  My life is considerably happier and calmer now that I expect nothing from others.  There is no need for an attachment here. Just like a spider won’t attach its lines to a weak structure I won’t attach mine to an idea of how I think another person should be.  Does that make sense?  Our expectations of others are based only on what we want and not on the concrete evidence of what is in front of us.  For example, you may expect a loved one to be helpful in a time of crisis but if they are incapable of dealing with big emotions they might retreat away from you.  Or someone may expect you to be available to them only when they need you (but not take into account that their selfish actions may push you away) and then get angry when you are not.  So as I enter this new (school) year of my life I can continue to build new connections and consequently the life I so desire by being open to opportunities and sharing my unique gifts.

I owe a big thank you to all the spiders that have been building the webs around my property prompting that nagging voice inside my head that forces me to wonder about the little things.  I am so relieved to know that I’m well on my way to getting the “something more” that I want.  I’m connecting with more and more people who make my life better.  I’m letting go of expectations that have left me feeling disappointed.  I am realizing that all of it begins with me and that only I can create a life that is truly a work of art.  So before you knock down that spider web with your broom take a good look at it and wonder about how you’ve woven the tapestry that is your life.

This beauty was busy at work in my life long friend Michele's garden. How very fitting since she is someone I love connecting with.