Body Talk

“Let's get physical, physical
I wanna get physical
Let's get into physical
Let me hear your body talk, your body talk” - Olivia Newton-John

If you were alive during the 80s then you might be familiar with these lyrics. I've been humming them recently, not because I like the song, but because I’ve been thinking about bodies and all the talk that surrounds them.

Lately, I've been reading and hearing a lot about bodies; everything from the ideal body type to body positivity, from weight loss to weight gain, and puberty to menopause. I am so entrenched in this topic that I can't think of much else.

As for myself, I'm not overly concerned about my body. Sure I'd like to look more like my pre-children 20-something self and less like the middle-aged mom of two, but age and hormonal changes make that impossible without surgical interference or extreme measures; neither of which I have any desire to do. So I eat well and exercise and do the best I can with what I have. It's not so bad. I may not look like I once did, but I still have the same stamina.

However, I wish I could make body change easier for my pubescent daughter. I forgot how hard it is to be an adolescent and one that is taller and further along than her peers but she is bringing it all back. I can relate to her and understand the confusion, insecurity, and pain of comparison.

Hannah is at eye level with or taller than some of her teachers and her friends’ mothers. She has all her adult teeth and is beginning to mature physically (if you know what I mean) and often gets mistaken for a young teen (she’s only 10). All these changes, just within the previous school year, have got my head spinning. Hannah is not a little girl anymore. We no longer shop in the kids’ department. Nope, now we head straight to Juniors or even Women’s. Heck, some days she borrows my clothes. And let me tell you her style is developing right along with her body. No longer do we shop sales at The Children’s Place. Instead, we are seeing what’s trending at Hot Topic. Regardless of all her physical changes, she is still my baby. She still comes to me with her worries and concerns, school day gossip and secrets, and most importantly her big problems. I’m grateful that she still thinks I can fix things for her. I cannot of course, because most of her problems have to do with other kids at school. I can only give her guidance and hope for the best.

Oh, how I long for squabbles over sharing toys. Instead, during her 4th-grade year, I had to hear about a boy who kept smacking her butt or saying inappropriate things about where he comes up to on her body (he is head and shoulders shorter). Hannah started feeling uncomfortable. She chose to hide behind oversized clothes. It broke my heart that at the age of 10, she felt objectified. All I was able to do was reassure her that everyone is or will be going through similar changes and she has nothing to hide. She needed to understand that she never needs to tolerate any comments about her body and that no one has the right to touch her. The other child was the one who needed to change his behavior.

So after we talked she went into school armed with a plan. She made it clear to him that he makes her feel uncomfortable and that she does not want him to touch or comment on her body. Unfortunately, he did not respect her wishes and she took her grievances to the teacher and assistant principal and kept doing it until someone did more than reprimand his behavior. Hannah wanted reinforcement and asked me to talk to her teacher. So I did and it was agreed that the boy and his parents needed to be made aware of why his actions were harmful. Finally, Hannah came home with an apology letter from the boy and no longer had issues with him. It was hard for me to watch her go through this, but I wanted her to feel in control. She has a voice and needs to use it. She needs to know that she is the only one who has power over her body and that I will always be here for her.

I was hopeful that was the end of the drama, but then her girlfriends started being just as inappropriate. One warm day at recess Hannah removed her hoodie. Her supposed best friend said, “Eww! Put your sweatshirt back on. Your boobs are sticking out”. Other friends chimed in with their unkind opinions. She came home hot and sweaty and in a sour mood and decided her friends were right. Hannah felt body shame and I felt rage.

Now up until that point, she never showed any interest in wearing a bra. In all honestly, she didn’t need the support, but I pulled out the super-soft bralette I had bought for such an occasion. The next day she wore it to school and still the comments came. She came home and informed me that she needs one with pads or so her friends say. I told her that these girls shouldn’t be so fixated on her body and taught her a few sassy comebacks (and purchased her some new undergarments). Guess what… over the following weeks, she shut them all up one by one. Then one morning she came out of her room dressed for school in a pair of jeans and a fitted shirt and as we walked to the bus she said, “I feel really pretty in this outfit”. I’m sure the battle with body image is just beginning, but that morning felt like a victory.

I don’t know why Hannah’s peers took it upon themselves to police her body. She heard criticisms on everything from her eyebrows down to her peach fuzz legs. I can only assume they are repeating what they hear or are uncomfortable with their changing bodies. Maybe it’s the parenting. I don’t know any of them well enough to say for certain, but I’m raising my daughter to speak up for herself and never down to others. So when a boy told her that she has hair on her legs she responded, “Well, duh, I’m a mammal.” And when he told her that girls shouldn't have hair on their legs. She told him that if boys can then so can girls. Conversation over.

Watching my daughter go through this has made me think about my youth. I heard many of the same comments except I didn’t speak up for myself. Instead, I overplucked my eyebrows and butchered my legs with a Daisy razor all because the boy I had a crush on made negative comments about my looks. I was 12. But nothing was more damaging than the words spoken by someone who was supposed to love me unconditionally - my big sister.

It makes me sad to think that young me was worried about her weight and waist size and how teen me felt like an oversized snaggle-toothed ogre all because of my “perfect” and “gorgeous” older sister’s critical comments. I was built much like Hannah, tall and strong. By the age of ten, I was 100 pounds with strong powerful thighs. As a teen, I was muscular and broad with a gapped-tooth smile. My sister on the other hand was smaller framed and ready for her close-up. She was obsessed with becoming a fashion model. I was obsessed with horses. For some reason, she loved to tear me apart by saying things like, “I’d kill myself if I weighed as much as you” and “ Your teeth look like someone stuck Chiclets in your mouth” or one of my favorites, “Your flat and wide like a pancake.” Yet, despite being a monster, I was being sexualized by horny teenage boys and grown men alike. It was a confusing time. I liked baggy clothes.

As an adult, I am grateful for the lessons I have learned. I am grateful for my strong body. I’m even grateful for my sister’s mean-spiritedness because I realized once we became adults that she was struggling with her feelings of inadequacy and disordered eating. One day when we were both in our 30s and she was complaining about all the weight she gained and wishing she was as skinny as me, I reminded her of all the hurtful things she said to me and how it affected my teen years. She started crying and apologizing as she explained to me that the modeling agency kept telling her to lose weight and be smaller. My sister during her modeling days weighed 108 pounds and went to extreme measures to achieve it. She in turn took her frustration out on me. I then fully understood the expression hurt people hurt people.

I can only wonder about how many of us have had these experiences. I know more than a few friends who can share similar tales. It is so upsetting to think that this kind of insulting behavior was tolerated and normalized by past generations. It’s disgusting to think that critiquing flaws and tearing people apart was and still is acceptable (even though we are finally seeing a more realistic representation of the diversity of the human race in media). At least we as adults know better so we can do better when raising our children. I think the best lesson I ever taught my children was to never comment negatively on a person’s appearance if it’s something they can’t change in less than a few minutes. For example, it’s okay to tell a friend that they have food stuck in their teeth, but it is not okay to tell them they have crooked teeth. I think this one simple rule can make a huge difference for everyone. There’s still progress to be made, but I’m doing my best to raise good humans. I hope you are too.

If you or someone in your life is struggling with body acceptance I recommend reading More Than a Body by sisters Lexie and Lindsay Kite.