New Year’s Eve and Day hold little value to me.  I don’t bid farewell to the old year and welcome the new one with open arms.  They are days, consecutive and meaningless, and old or new they hold the same amount of time and the same opportunity.  It’s only perception that changes.  I do like the idea of a clean slate and of making plans though.  And if a celebration is needed to get everyone on board with making positive changes then I am nothing but supportive.  But a day on the calendar shouldn’t be what inspires us.  We should be inspired by our experiences, our mistakes, our successes, our fears, and our desires.  If we allow that to happen then we can declare any day of any month the start of not just a new year but a new life.  With that being said I woke up this morning on the first day of this New Year feeling inspired to make changes myself – not because I declare 2019 the year of me or because 2018 was difficult but because of the weather.

Todays’ comfortable, breezy, and partly sunny or cloudy (depending on how you want to see it) weather was just the thing I needed to motivate.  After yesterday’s chilling rain, todays’ is a welcome contrast.  Last night’s rain made driving difficult so any NYE revelries were cut short and left the lawn flooded to the point of rendering the septic useless.  That’s always fun!  However, as with everything else that is unpleasant, a failing leach field is temporary.  So I slept peacefully, confident that when I awoke in the morning there wouldn’t be any issues.  And there weren’t.  The rain had stopped and the wind had picked up.  Mother Nature literally gave me a fresh start.

I headed outside to hay the horses, muddy and spirited, and relished the fresh air and warmer temps.  Yes! Today I will clean like it is nobody’s business.  Not my house of course but the pasture.  It has been too long since I’ve made the rounds with the wheel barrow.  Today is the perfect day to get a handle on it.  Plus, I can be outside without multiple layers that make me feel like the little brother in A Christmas Story.  Why stop at the pasture?  The barn could use some airing out and the goat pen too.  Today is shaping up to be a good day.

Back inside to have some breakfast and make a fire in the wood stove I heard a loud thud outside.  I mean it was LOUD like something slamming into the house.  So I stepped out onto the front porch and there littering the yard and the porch were the smashed remains of a huge Maple branch.  To make matters worse the crashing of dead limb broke the bench; the very bench that was placed beneath the shade of the Maple decades ago now weathered and scarred from years of use and abuse.   I know one phone call I must make this week.   Well, maybe this month.  The tree I love so much is going to become a liability the longer I wait.  On the bright side though I now had an abundance of kindling to really get the fire going.  Soon enough I will have firewood for years to come.  So the cycle continues and I am neither happy nor sad, I just am.

Recognizing that all good things must come to an end I accept that this new year will bring a new routine.  The routine that seemed so foreign and stressful 3 ½ years ago quickly became familiar and enjoyable.  My weekday visits with Dad at the hospital or his home became part of my social life and my Sunday visits with kids just continued the routine they had been accustomed to since birth.  I realized that I will have a lot more free time on my hands and will be putting a lot less miles on my car, but I feel almost at a loss for something to do.  Do I go back to work full time?  Do I pen my great American novel?  Do I lunch with the ladies?  No, I will catch my breath and take the time to get both Dad’s and my loose ends tied up.  Between the two I’ll have plenty to keep my busy.  I will have phone calls to make, paperwork to complete, and attorneys to meet.  Then when my brain can’t handle anymore my body will get to work decluttering and organizing the 1,200 square feet I call home.  Because lately it feels like the bigger my children grow the smaller the house gets and I feel as though the walls are closing in on me.  I’m experiencing what can best be described as chronic agitation.  Maybe this restlessness and indecisiveness is all part of the process.  All I know is that whether I like it or not I have some uncharted territory that I must enter and I am anxious.  Fortunately, I’ve been in similar situations before and have navigated my way with relative ease while learning from my mistakes as I go.  Plus, there are experts out there to throw me a line in case I flail.  All I know is that in the end I will have new wrinkles on my brain and an education that money did not have to buy.

So this new year I’m not making any resolutions – I’ve got enough changes to which I need to adapt.  But I will have resolve.  I am determined to meet the difficult and uncomfortable parts of life not with dread but with confidence because as I’ve learned it’s only temporary.  I choose how I respond to the painful bits.  I can hide from the challenges or I can face them head on.  The sooner I tackle them the sooner they will go away leaving me with results with which I’ll be happy to live.  Funny really, yet another lesson taught to me by my Dad.  He never procrastinated or shied away from a challenge. He never allowed me to do that either.  So I will confront that pile of paperwork as if it is a mere anthill and I will resurrect my home from underneath the detritus of our lives.  This isn’t going to happen quickly.  Results may not show for a while.  I know I’ll get frustrated.  But I’ve got a whole new year filled with 365 new days to get it done.