Last year I fumbled my way through the Holidays.  I can’t even tell you what presents I received or gave.  All I know is my husband got a gorgeous last-minute tree that was far too big for our living room and I made eggplant parmesan for dinner.  Everything else is a blur.  Seriously, I can’t tell you any other details.  A few days after Christmas I posted Winter Solstice as a way to show gratitude for all the love that had been given to me during and after Dad’s funeral.  I can’t believe a whole year has passed. 

I have done a lot of wondering during the year; much more than I have even shared on this blog.  One topic I became increasingly interested in is religion.  Not in the sense that I want some but in regards to how people believe in a personal God and teachings of prophets that they have never met.  I am always amazed by people whose strong faith is enough to get them through trials and tribulations; people who feel comfortable leaving a worry in God’s hands (whoever their God may be).  How does one believe so strongly in life after death?  I like the thought of my Dad and Mom and all my other relatives partying it up in Heaven, but I’m fine too if that is not the case because they will live on through me and other family members.  I have friends of all religions – Catholic, Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, Jehovah's Witness, and Born Again to name a few – and I love discussing faith with them.  I, however, am not a believer.  I question anything and everything.  I read spiritual texts as if they were common literature.  If I don’t understand something I will research it.  All my wondering, discussing, and reading have left me with a very strong realization about myself that- even with my Protestant upbringing and Catholic School education - none of it is for me.

All my contemplation made it easier when, during the fall, my 7-year-old daughter asked me why she didn’t go to religion classes like her friends. She also asked me if Santa is real as well as the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny.   I knew this day would come especially now that she is of the age of questioning everything.   I had a lengthy explanation for the first question (I’ll come back to that) but for the second I could only respond, “What do you think?”  She did me proud and told me that none of it made sense.  She then provided evidence to back her claims.  Let me tell you I liked the Bunny/Egg connection and how an Easter Chicken would be far more believable.  It was a freeing day for me. 

Children love the idea of these characters.  Fantasy is so easily accepted by young minds.  I believed wholeheartedly as a child.  I did not catch on as quickly as my kids but then again my Mom and older siblings did a good job of convincing me to believe. But I’ve raised my children to be free thinkers and to not believe something because someone has told them that it is so.  As far as Santa, the Fairy, and the Bunny are concerned I never planted those ideas in their heads.  Society at large did it for me and I felt pressured to keep up appearances.  After all, I didn’t want to be the mother of the child who crushed the hopes and dreams of other children.  However, I kept it low-key.  Santa brought only one toy.  The Easter Bunny hid a few eggs in the yard for them to hunt.  The Tooth Fairy left only a dollar if she made an appearance.  I refused to elaborate. No mythical being would be leaving large bills and gift cards and gaming systems and iPhones.   Eventually, the differences between her experiences and those of her cousins and friends became quite apparent.  Why did they have piles of gifts from Santa when she got one?  Why did the Tooth Fairy leave some kids a crisp $20 bill but she got only a $1?  Why do the cousins get huge elaborate baskets filled with chocolate and gifts but the Bunny only leaves her some eggs to find and collect with a basket she uses year after year? I’ve seen these extravagant displays go awry when children have Santa lists filled with expensive gifts and they tell their parents, “You don’t have to pay for any of this because Santa will get everything.”  Where did we as a society go so very wrong? 

Hannah answered that question for herself but religion is a bit more complicated to explain to a child whose world is so small.  First I simply defined religion (she is only 7) as a collection of beliefs and views to help people explain the meaning of life so humans can feel comfortable in the Universe (after all, it is scary not knowing from whence you came and where you are going). I told her that she does not go to religion class like her friends because her parents don’t observe any particular organized religion.  We speak candidly to her and she knows that I grew up going to a Protestant Church and I went to Catholic School.  She knows that her Dad resented going to the Mosque with his Muslim father.  She was taught the basics of Christianity at the local church’s preschool.  But I explained to her that there are so many religions (thousands in fact) in this world and because of that so many conflicts have arisen.  History class taught us that wars were fought in the name of religion.  People have been persecuted in the name of religion.  We see evidence of intolerance every single day.  All of this fighting and all of this hatred in the name of a God that we have never seen.   I won’t go into specifics with her, but you as an educated adult know what they are.  Also, who am I to decide which the correct religion is and what she is to believe?  When she is older and able to make her own choices she may decide that she wants to adopt a religion for herself.  Maybe she will identify as Buddhist or Jewish, but whatever she decides it will be her choice and an educated one at that. 

But then she took her questioning a step further and asked me what I believed and do I believed in God.   This kid never ceases to impress me.  So I spoke frankly to her.  I told her I don’t believe in the God of my Christian upbringing or the story of creation as told in the Bible.  But I do believe some power/entity/ universal mind has created this amazing beautiful Earth on which we live.  I believe something greater than all of us made everything from the tiniest of insects to the largest of mammals and the single-cell algae to the tallest trees in the forests.  We live in a world full of diversity and I can only feel awe at the thought of how it all came about but I cannot give an identity to it.  I also explained to her that I believe in what I see and what I see is the sun rising and setting the moon waxing and waning, the seasons changing, and the animals living by instinct.  I am thankful for the rain when the crops need to grow and I am ready to rest when the darkest days fall upon us.  I live my life by the seasons and I live it in a state of wonderment.  Hannah said she liked the idea of that and so we ended our discussion.

Needless to say, our little heart-to-heart made coming around to this Holiday Season particularly pleasant for me.  Now that Santa is no longer in the picture and my daughter has a grasp on religion I decided to educate her on the history of the beloved Christmas traditions that have nothing to do with Christ.  Since a young age, I could not reconcile my favorite traditions with Christ.  My ever-wondering mind wanted answers.  If Christmas is the celebration of the birth of Christ, the son, then what was the deal with all this other stuff?  I never got answers as a child and so as an adult, I made it my mission to understand everything.  Now don’t get offended.  By all means, keep Christ in Christmas (even though he was not born in December) but know that the Christmas tree, the mistletoe, the yule log, the wreath, the holly berries, and even those festive colors all have pagan roots.  These traditions were adopted by Christian missionaries to appease the pagans who were deeply attached to their winter holiday – Yule.  Heck, it’s the 12 days of Yule!  It’s the celebration of the winter solstice and the return of the Sun. 

So for the first time in a long time, I got excited about celebrating because I no longer felt conflicted.  On December 21 we decorated a beautiful little Douglas fir in honor of the Winter Solstice. We ate our dinner of fondue (our tradition for a few years) and we kept a fire lit in the wood-burning stove.  The Yule tree will be taken down on the 12th day which is New Year’s Day and it will be brought outside and decorated with edibles as offerings to the wildlife.  And when everything is eaten, my little Yule goat, Tiffany, and her three sisters will get to strip the needles of the tree.  The remains of the tree will then be used for firewood.   We are already on the 10th day of Yule and I am feeling a serene sense of belonging because, as I mentioned before, I believe in what I see and I see the daylight gradually returning to my little slice of (perceived) Heaven.